Saturday, January 8, 2011

New Beginnings.

          Forgive me for the awfully repetitive nature of this blog, but hey.  Who is to say you can't feel the same things multiple times?  So last night I had a discussion previously mentioned, with my ex-boyfriend.  I hate the term "ex", because it gives the situation a negative connotation.  For the duration of the blog (and any others I decide to mention him in from here on out), I will call him D.  The discussion I blogged about last night was everything that D told me.  I walked away from that conversation feeling absolutely on top of the world, like nothing could stop me.  I felt so very happy again, like everything fit in its place.  Give or take a few hours later, I was slapped (again) with infamous reality.  I realized just then that, it was finally over.  D and I were finally done.  No more possibility of getting together, like I had held in my mind since the last time we had broken up.  It was over.  Needless to say I completely broke down.  I woke up my mother to talk to her, looking for her comfort.  We talked for an hour and a half and I slept easily.  I was supposed to see D today, but our availability ended up conflicting and it didn't work out and for whatever reason, I was yet again crushed and sent into a fit of crying and moping around that would last all day long.  Until finally, I was confronted.
          I will admit I haven't been myself lately.  I've been so caught up in the relationship I wanted with D that I had completely ignored every other aspect of my life while I've been back home.  I'd like to live without regrets, however I regret not spending more time with my family while I've been here. Thank goodness I have another week here with them.  But, anyway, I've been a sad and wallowing girl for the past three weeks and it has affected everyone, not just me.  I realize its okay to feel sad, but not like I was.  I was a putting on show for someone.  I should receive and academy award.  I've always had a flare for the dramatic anyhow.  But with the concern of my family made known to me, it snapped me back into shape.  Knowing that they were concerned about my well-being has made me feel awful. So I know it's time to change that.  Beginning now.
          I've been told by multiple people to just move on.  It's a harsh term, "move on".  It sounds so sudden and careless.  But when I was told to move on by my family and peers, I misunderstood them.  They don't mean to move on to another guy.  They mean to move on with life.  Life must go on.  What other choice do I have?  For some reason, hearing this from D (phrased differently of course), really made me realize that it was okay to go on with everything I was doing.  Because of the break up, I didn't have to stop my life and be sad.  I need to be strong, pick myself up, and do as they say, when they say: Life goes on.  It doesn't mean forget your past and erase it from your memory.  It simply means, go live life again.  Shit happens, but deal with it on get on with things.
         So, it's been quite some time since my relationship with D ended.  He explained to me all he was doing at school and how busy he was, and it truly made me realized how dedicated he was to his schooling and making this college experience worthwhile to his life.  There are lessons we learn from everyone that steps into our lives.  D has taught me a new perspective on life.  I need to take each day and live.  We don't know what tomorrow brings for us, so we need to live for what today has given us.  I'm blessed with a wonderful family and amazing friends who are all there for me.  Well, heck, I've been blessed with an ex-boyfriend who didn't break up with me and then just move on to do whatever.  D isn't like that in the slightest.  He's different.  We want to remain a part of each other's lives and so we will.  I value the friendship I have with him because to me he was always more than my boyfriend.  He is my best friend and  we're there for each other.  That's lucky.
         Ladies and gentlemen, no more sad songs.  No more sad blogs.  No more sad me.  Time will heal things in the manner they are to be healed in.  All I can do now is make the most of time, and live.  It's time to live life again, for I am far too blessed to sit around and mope. 

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