Tell Me Why.

          So, I literally just had this epiphany while I was putting on my facial mask in front of the mirror two seconds, and I knew I had to blog it:
         Tell me why. Tell me why I've been holding on to the fact that I'm single again and interpreting as if it's a negative aspect of my life.  Tell me why I felt like I needed someone else to make me feel like I was worth something. I DON'T.  We are young. Heartache to heartache...just kidding. I'm not gonna quote Pat Benetar. Although I do enjoy that song. I'm single, so what?  I have the rest of my life to spend with someone else.  Why not enjoy being me and being single while I can?  I have the opportunities to discover myself and discover my purpose.  Being in a relationship right now, would honestly prevent me from self-discovery.  So, who cares? All my single ladies, now put your hands up!

Today For You, Tomorrow For Me.

Blue Skies.

"This is a song for anyone
With a broken heart
This is a song for anyone
Who can't get out of bed

I'll do anything
To be happy
Oh cause blue skies are calling
But I know that it's hard

This is the last song
That I write
While still in love with you

This is the last song
That I write
While you're even on my mind

Cause it's time to leave
Those feelings behind
Oh cause blue skies are calling
But I know that it's hard

I don't think that it's the end
But I know we can't keep going
I don't think that it's the end
But I know we can't keep going

But blue skies are calling
Oh yeah blue skies are calling
Oh blue skies are calling
But I know that it's hard."


Cheers to the forgiving restart button.

King Of Anything.

           I tried, I really did.  I tried to keep you in my life because I wanted to, and heck I still do.  But it's clear to me that you are slowly trying to cut me out.  If it's your healing process, I respect that.  But what I would have respected more, was you telling me.  I can't read minds, ya know?  So it kills me when I see you slowly removing me from your life.  So, for my sake, I had to do it myself.  Didn't want to, wish it didn't have to come to this, but it's time for me to heal.  And since I love you, this healing process will be long.  Here goes nothin'.

Say A Prayer.

           This evening, one of my favorite high school teachers was seriously injured in a motorcycle accident in which he was hit dead-on by a car in an intersection.  He is currently in critical condition and in intensive care, suffering from head injuries and broken bones.  If you are reading this, whoever you are, tonight I ask that you pray for him.  Our beloved Mr. Rupp.  A man who has survived so much hardship, and who I greatly admire for it.  A man who has inspired me to better the future by getting a college education to make a difference.  Mr. Rupp, I love you and I am praying for you.  You are the strongest man I know, and you will fight the fight and no doubt come out a success.  We love you.

Rollercoaster of Love.

            Some days are more difficult than others.  Most days are difficult.  For the time being, anyway.  It's hard to watch you move on.  It has been for the past few months.  I don't expect you to sit and wish that you and I were we, or that things were how they used to be.  Life isn't meant to be lived in that manner, I know.  But you seem to handle it so well, and that I envy.  But often I wonder if you ever stop and think about it, as I do.  I often wonder if I'm ever in your dreams, as you are in mine.  I often wonder if the things you see remind you of me, as many of the things I see remind me of you.  To me, you're everywhere.  Some days are more difficult than others.  Most days are difficult.  For the time being, anyway.




Things will heal in time. But, to who I am addressing the blog to, I do miss you terribly and I just thought I would indirectly let you know. 

10 Things I Hate About You.

"I hate the way you talk to me,

and the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car,

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots

and the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick,

it even makes me rhyme. 


I hate the way you're always right, 

I hate it when you lie. 

I hate it when you make me laugh,

even worse when you make me cry. 

I hate it when you're not around, 

and the fact that you didn't call. 

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you, 

not even close,

not even a little bit, 

not even at all." 

Sigh No More.

           Well, the time has come to return to school.  This, as one can easily imagine, brings about bittersweet feelings.  So much has happened over the course of the month I've been back at home.  Quite a bit of self-discovery and re-prioritizing has taken place.  It's odd what I've learned by being back at home, back to my roots.  It seems once you're brought back to your upbringing and your roots you're able to regain a sense of priority.  Turns out mine have been pretty screwed up.  Now, I can say that they are aligned to my preference as well as where they should be.  My past few blogs have been filled with things I will do no more of.  As of right now I'm not too sure what I will do to prevent said things from happening, but I am willing to try to fix them all.  
          I spent this last week at home with my family.  The majority of my friends had gone back to school but after having a discussion with important people in my life, I realized that family is where I need to be this week, and I was.  Tonight, for example, was better than I could have imagine.  My family and I sat and watched movies together.  I don't recall the last time we all sat together and watched something for an extended amount of time, without someone growing bored and taking their interests elsewhere for several minutes.  It was pleasant.  Something I took advantage of while I have been at home for the past someteen years of my life.  
        Going through all of the breakup crap that I went through, I looked to my friends and family for support.  After it happened the third time I figured they had grown tired of listening to my sob stories and how much I missed him and love him, ect.  Turns out I was incorrect.  These people in my life known as family and friends (the real friends) are always there for me, no matter what.  It was completely foolish of me to think that my friends would grow annoyed of my sad demeanor and complaining about things I had wished to be true.  They're not.  I still can't believe, for a split-second, I could think such a thing.  Family is something you will always have, no matter what.  These are the people that will be there for you, always.  Learn to build a strong relationship with them, because they are people in your life that should never give up on you.  As far as friends go, build strong relationships with them as well.  "Friends forever" isn't some girly nonsense term that is thrown around.  Find those friends in your life that that very term will apply to.  Unfortunately, I've also come across a few unfortunate happenings that might have damaged friendships as well.  With my ex, I'm not entirely sure what's going on anymore.  I just gonna go out on a limb here and say...I kinda ruined that.  Jealousy, yes.  The green monster.  So very unattractive.  A word of advice to all of you out there...don't make your jealousy known.  It's not endearing in the least, so I've learned.  It makes people want to stop talking to you.  Speaking of people who've decided to stop talking to you (forgive the rant, it'll just be moment), like I said in an early post: Make room for the people in your life who are willing to make room for you.  Sadly, even after years of friendship consisting of its highs and lows, things still find a way to not work themselves out. Whatevs.
        I've realized the many things I'm blessed with over the break.  It's sad that it took a month at home (4 months after I started school) to realize what I had.  Like they say, you don't know what you have until it's gone.  Or, several hundred miles away at least.  Heading back to school with a new attitude and a new appetite for life.  Happiness is a choice and I choose happiness.


Happy new semester! Best of luck!

Ain't No Mountain High Enough.

          No longer will one person be responsible for my happiness.  No longer will one person dictate whether I am to be happy or not. Only I can decide how happy I want to be. And that is what I shall do from now on.  Watch out world.  

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been.

           It's time to start fresh.  New, more exciting things await me.  No more dwelling on the past.  It makes me miserable.  I don't wanna feel this way anymore.  I wanna be happy again.  Here's to finding the restart button, it's time to start anew.  Hot damn.

Out Of This World.

            So those horoscopes, they're on to something...

Grateful.

"If I never knew you

If I never felt this love

I would have no inkling of

How precious life can be

And if I never held you

I would never have a clue

How at last I'd find in you

The missing part of me

In this world so full of fear

Full of rage and lies

I can see the truth so clear

In your eyes

So dry your eyes

And I'm so grateful to you

I'd have lived my whole life through

Lost forever

If I never knew you..."

New Beginnings.

          Forgive me for the awfully repetitive nature of this blog, but hey.  Who is to say you can't feel the same things multiple times?  So last night I had a discussion previously mentioned, with my ex-boyfriend.  I hate the term "ex", because it gives the situation a negative connotation.  For the duration of the blog (and any others I decide to mention him in from here on out), I will call him D.  The discussion I blogged about last night was everything that D told me.  I walked away from that conversation feeling absolutely on top of the world, like nothing could stop me.  I felt so very happy again, like everything fit in its place.  Give or take a few hours later, I was slapped (again) with infamous reality.  I realized just then that, it was finally over.  D and I were finally done.  No more possibility of getting together, like I had held in my mind since the last time we had broken up.  It was over.  Needless to say I completely broke down.  I woke up my mother to talk to her, looking for her comfort.  We talked for an hour and a half and I slept easily.  I was supposed to see D today, but our availability ended up conflicting and it didn't work out and for whatever reason, I was yet again crushed and sent into a fit of crying and moping around that would last all day long.  Until finally, I was confronted.
          I will admit I haven't been myself lately.  I've been so caught up in the relationship I wanted with D that I had completely ignored every other aspect of my life while I've been back home.  I'd like to live without regrets, however I regret not spending more time with my family while I've been here. Thank goodness I have another week here with them.  But, anyway, I've been a sad and wallowing girl for the past three weeks and it has affected everyone, not just me.  I realize its okay to feel sad, but not like I was.  I was a putting on show for someone.  I should receive and academy award.  I've always had a flare for the dramatic anyhow.  But with the concern of my family made known to me, it snapped me back into shape.  Knowing that they were concerned about my well-being has made me feel awful. So I know it's time to change that.  Beginning now.
          I've been told by multiple people to just move on.  It's a harsh term, "move on".  It sounds so sudden and careless.  But when I was told to move on by my family and peers, I misunderstood them.  They don't mean to move on to another guy.  They mean to move on with life.  Life must go on.  What other choice do I have?  For some reason, hearing this from D (phrased differently of course), really made me realize that it was okay to go on with everything I was doing.  Because of the break up, I didn't have to stop my life and be sad.  I need to be strong, pick myself up, and do as they say, when they say: Life goes on.  It doesn't mean forget your past and erase it from your memory.  It simply means, go live life again.  Shit happens, but deal with it on get on with things.
         So, it's been quite some time since my relationship with D ended.  He explained to me all he was doing at school and how busy he was, and it truly made me realized how dedicated he was to his schooling and making this college experience worthwhile to his life.  There are lessons we learn from everyone that steps into our lives.  D has taught me a new perspective on life.  I need to take each day and live.  We don't know what tomorrow brings for us, so we need to live for what today has given us.  I'm blessed with a wonderful family and amazing friends who are all there for me.  Well, heck, I've been blessed with an ex-boyfriend who didn't break up with me and then just move on to do whatever.  D isn't like that in the slightest.  He's different.  We want to remain a part of each other's lives and so we will.  I value the friendship I have with him because to me he was always more than my boyfriend.  He is my best friend and  we're there for each other.  That's lucky.
         Ladies and gentlemen, no more sad songs.  No more sad blogs.  No more sad me.  Time will heal things in the manner they are to be healed in.  All I can do now is make the most of time, and live.  It's time to live life again, for I am far too blessed to sit around and mope. 
       

Never Have I Ever...

...felt this okay about everything in my life.  As I blog tonight, I am crying tears of joy because I finally feel like everything is okay.  Sometimes it takes simply admitting what your problems are to the ones you feel it might affect your relationship with, only to find out they are there for you more than anyone else has been.  Tonight, I finally got up the courage to do just that.  And as I just said, I've never felt better about every aspect of my life than I do right now.  As he said repeatedly, "You're okay." and guess what?   I am.  I am okay.  My life isn't in shambles, as I had thought the past four months.  It's just fine.  And for the first time in months, I finally feel...happy.  
        Dear whoever is actually reading my blog: Please don't be afraid to talk to someone about things that are bothering you.  If you hesitate to do so, it only makes things worse. Much worse.  Don't talk to different people about different things either.  If you can find someone you can pour your heart out to, then shit, just do it.  Tell them everything.  If they're your friend, they'll listen.  
        As I was saying yesterday, I just needed someone to listen.  And tonight I found someone who listened.  Not only did he listen, he gave me the greatest advice and reassurance I've ever received.  At this present moment, I don't know what I'm doing.  But, that's okay.  College is time to build your experiences so you become the well-rounded leader that the majority of employers are looking for.  Today, I have no idea what I'm doing with my college education, but that's okay because I really shouldn't have any idea.  It's time to work hard, explore, and enjoy myself.  Time to go back to being confident and doing things that will make me a better person.  
        So here's to life, because everything is okay.

Slight Figure of Speech.

            Someone once asked me what I blog about.  My answer seemed fitting at the time: everything.  Well, I feel as if I'm not an interesting blogger.  I'm not on some worldly adventure, re-creating Julie & Julia, or suddenly have the urge to blog about my new found interests in knitting (which I don't do, by the way).  I might have misused the blog as a diary sort of thing... 
           As of now it should be titled: The Whiney Account of a Confused & Broken-Hearted Girl.  Perhaps one day, if I keep writing the way I used to, it will be a self-help sort of mechanism, showing me how I overcame the trials and tribulations of a break-up and heartbreak.  Maybe one day, a random web-surfer will stumble upon my blog, and maybe she (assuming it's a she) will find comfort in knowing that someone else out there went through a difficult time with a break-up as well.  I know I find comfort in knowing there are other people out there that feel the same way.  Being able to have someone to relate to and to just listen in difficult times like these, makes the pain bearable.
            
      

All of the lights, all of the lights.

           Normally, I'm opposed to Kanye West, because, well, he's not very endearing.  However, his music is oddly...poetic.  There is something about it that is catchy enough to land it in the mainstream circuit, but it has a deeper meaning to it.  He does have somewhat of a talent for this musical thing after all.  I cannot deny that (as I usually do).  My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is a really great album.  That was my musical aside for the day. Anyway....
           So there's a ton of controversy surrounding the censorship of, in my opinion, a remarkable work of literature: The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.  Some editions of the book are trying to remove the "n" word.  Now, let me ask you this, can we censor American history?  Slavery and discrimination against African Americans was a part of American history.  How are we to pretend that it never happened?  They say the word is offensive.  Well, as I was reading opinions on the issue, I came across one that stated that slavery is offensive.  That's true.  Slavery was offensive, but we can't censor and remove that from American history can we?  Mark Twain wrote a novel based on the happenings of the south, and of course, they weren't pleasant in that time period in the slightest.  Censoring a book that makes historical references using historical "slang", is censoring history.  What is history, if censored? 

"Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it." - George Santayana.

Prospects of 2011.

              Up until this evening (technically yesterday), I was convinced that 2011 couldn't possibly have the potential to be a great year.  Not like 2010 did.  2010 was filled with events to look forward to.  Graduation, college decisions, the last few high school dances, ect.  It was labeled nothing short of a landmark year for those who would graduate in 2010.  This year, unfortunately, doesn't have anything of the sort.  College and...that's about it.  No wonderful events such as these are scheduled to take place in 2011.  But this is when I realized that, I had things to look forward to at the start of last year because my life had been planned. Up until now.  
             The end of 2010 brought some life-altering changes.  I moved away. From home to college, in a different state, leaving behind my family and best friends.  Best friends I wouldn't see daily, even monthly.  I had a boyfriend through the final months of high school and all through summer, even through the first three months of college, and things grew complicated.  So of course, all I knew to be certain in my life, wasn't certain anymore.  The comfort of living with my family was gone.  Seeing familiar faces at school, was gone.  Being in a relationship with someone I thought I would be with for the duration of my freshman year in college, at least, was gone.  My naive manner got the best of me, and it's led to the wild mix of emotions I had felt the past months.  And that's when it hit me.  Reality slapped me in the face.  Hard.  In short, it said Grow up and realize that nothing is guaranteed. 
             Throughout high school, I carried with me the mindset of optimism and promise.  Now, don't confuse this self-realization as a conversion to pessimism, but finally taking one of the many big steps in my life has allowed me to see the reality of life itself.  Life is not planned, nor promised.  Life is a compilation of unexpected occurrences that you must act on, and the way you choose to act on them, is the way you choose to live your life.  We can sit and reflect on the mistakes and aspirations of our yesterdays, or we can simply move forward and fully enjoy the todays we are blessed with.  I truly believe that each day is not promised; it is a blessing.  When we are blessed with a day, how else can we display our thankfulness other than making the most of the moments we are given?
             This is where my New Year's Resolution comes into play: Carpe diem.  No longer will I take each day for granted as I used to, and rely on the promise of tomorrow, but I will take each day and make it my own [except for other people's birthdays, that would just be rude of me (; ].  Each day is a gift, which is indeed why it is called the "present".  Humans are creatures of habit, and this year, I plan to live every one of the days I am blessed with, to its fullest.  Hopefully this mentality will become my only mentality, and I will seize the blessings of each day with admiration.  I will cherish what I have, and not dwell on what I don't have.  I will do things for others, for myself, and most importantly, I will do things for God.  

Dear 2011, 

     So, we got off on the wrong foot.  Can we start over?  I'm Gabrielle and it's a pleasure to meet you.  Let's make this year frickin' sweet.